Development of Scripts 23.03.2018
In this blog post I will highlight the changes to the story lines and the general feedback received from Simon as well as the choices I made regarding to feedback.
General feedback on Scripts up to 23.03.2018:
Episode 2
--> actions don't need to be in brackets (even if they are small)
--> be harshier with my humour, especially Uncle Panny
--> ending should be bigger
Episode 3
--> didn't have a clear sense of where it was going in first draft
--> balance is off; too much time on Birmingham scenes (what are we getting out of these scenes? make it obvious on the amount of food Yiayia Maria has)
--> emphasise the ridiculousness of it
--> so far it feels more like a drama
--> make the taxi driver more interesting (maybe he is Turkish Cypriot)
--> the script over all could be funnier
--> Kotchy - make more of him, he's supposed to be the smart one. Scene at the friends house is not funny
--> night out: Gina and Stella don't really fit. Work with Chantelle and Sebastian
--> make a connection between events
--> Stav and Andy? = why are they doing all this?
--> Improve Hara more
--> Hara needs to have a wee. But why? (maybe she drinks water for smoother skin) Start from beginning
--> Invest in every storyline
--> Bro house (Yiayia Maria and Panayiota scenes is not complete)
My changes:
--> I got rid of Gina and Stella and the clubbing story and replaced it with Hara, Chantelle and Sebastian entering a a uni talent show because that why I focus on my already existing characters and use locations that are known to the audience
--> At the brothers has I made it funnier that instead of being in Birmingham they are down the street from there house. The point of them going there now isnt only just to visit but to discuss a potential husband for Hara.
--> I stated in the second episode why Andy and Stav are trying to reignite their love life (lack of sex for a few years).
--> I also got rid of the scene where Kotchy goes to his friends house. I did this because the scene has no actual benefit on the story line.
--> In terms of improving Hara's character I made it that she is constantly humiliating herself in front of Mr Conrad, so in this episode she pees herself on stage while performing
Episode 4
--> it is quicker, tighter and funnier
--> Andy - sometimes good lines but sometimes dull. Try and be clever with her. She is better outrageous
--> Stav should be the reluctant one
--> scene with Hara and Kotchy scene = needs to be FUNNIER
--> when the guru changes its too suttle, make sure its more visual. Make more of the moment
--> Andy should be the positive thinking one and excited
--> Kotchy toilet scene is still too long.
--> make Hara's scenes shorter and spread it across
--> emphasise that Conrad is at the house
--> carry on adding easter eggs on episodes to show that Conrad is the Aston Villa fan
Episode 5
--> Andy and Kotchy = lines need to be funnier - too mundane
--> scene 3 when we cut away from car is new scene
--> scene 10 - don't understand the last line of action
--> episode just drifts, lots mentioned but not clear. Why do men clean toilet? what is stavs job?
why is hara worried about being late but then isnt?
General feedback on Scripts up to 23.03.2018:
Episode 2
--> actions don't need to be in brackets (even if they are small)
--> be harshier with my humour, especially Uncle Panny
--> ending should be bigger
Episode 3
--> didn't have a clear sense of where it was going in first draft
--> balance is off; too much time on Birmingham scenes (what are we getting out of these scenes? make it obvious on the amount of food Yiayia Maria has)
--> emphasise the ridiculousness of it
--> so far it feels more like a drama
--> make the taxi driver more interesting (maybe he is Turkish Cypriot)
--> the script over all could be funnier
--> Kotchy - make more of him, he's supposed to be the smart one. Scene at the friends house is not funny
--> night out: Gina and Stella don't really fit. Work with Chantelle and Sebastian
--> make a connection between events
--> Stav and Andy? = why are they doing all this?
--> Improve Hara more
--> Hara needs to have a wee. But why? (maybe she drinks water for smoother skin) Start from beginning
--> Invest in every storyline
--> Bro house (Yiayia Maria and Panayiota scenes is not complete)
My changes:
--> I got rid of Gina and Stella and the clubbing story and replaced it with Hara, Chantelle and Sebastian entering a a uni talent show because that why I focus on my already existing characters and use locations that are known to the audience
--> At the brothers has I made it funnier that instead of being in Birmingham they are down the street from there house. The point of them going there now isnt only just to visit but to discuss a potential husband for Hara.
--> I stated in the second episode why Andy and Stav are trying to reignite their love life (lack of sex for a few years).
--> I also got rid of the scene where Kotchy goes to his friends house. I did this because the scene has no actual benefit on the story line.
--> In terms of improving Hara's character I made it that she is constantly humiliating herself in front of Mr Conrad, so in this episode she pees herself on stage while performing
Episode 4
--> it is quicker, tighter and funnier
--> Andy - sometimes good lines but sometimes dull. Try and be clever with her. She is better outrageous
--> Stav should be the reluctant one
--> scene with Hara and Kotchy scene = needs to be FUNNIER
--> when the guru changes its too suttle, make sure its more visual. Make more of the moment
--> Andy should be the positive thinking one and excited
--> Kotchy toilet scene is still too long.
--> make Hara's scenes shorter and spread it across
--> emphasise that Conrad is at the house
--> carry on adding easter eggs on episodes to show that Conrad is the Aston Villa fan
Episode 5
--> Andy and Kotchy = lines need to be funnier - too mundane
--> scene 3 when we cut away from car is new scene
--> scene 10 - don't understand the last line of action
--> episode just drifts, lots mentioned but not clear. Why do men clean toilet? what is stavs job?
why is hara worried about being late but then isnt?
Comments
Post a Comment